My gr8 Escape,..

spoiledbaby

I want to get married.

Someday I want to be a wife. I want to be a mother.

I'm scared. I am so scared that it will never happen. I am so scared that I might grow old alone. 

I see my world slowly getting smaller and smaller. I have no control of how I feel. I have no control of my emotions.

I'm tired. I'm tired of beinga anxious all the time. I'm tired of always second guessing the things that will happen. I'm tired of defending the rotten situation I am in. And I'm tired of being unhappy. I am tired of trying to fight the feeling of regrets I am feeling over choosing somebody else. I am tired of trying to defend the decisions I made. None of them were right.

I am in a rotten situation. I am with a guy who says he loves me and yet couldn't see me anywhere near his future. Yet I still opt to stay. I still opt to join this silly game. I still stay, anxiously awaiting when he might crack. When will he find the one and finally leave me. 

I don't want to cry anymore. I cried too much already. I don't want to be scared anymore. It stops me from being alive. I want to go back where I was when I knew who I really am. I wanna believe that I can be happy. That I can find love again because countless times I lost love and yet it manages to find me again.

God, pls help me. I know what I need to do. But the hope remains in me. That one day, this man I now love will love me more than anything in this world. And that one day he would want no one else but me to be his wife.

I know this is an illusion for me. I know that no matter what I do, I cannot make anyone love me if he really doesn't. God, it hurts. It hurts like hell. Pls, pls,.. give me a push. Give me a hand to get out of this mess I created for myself. Let me be strong enough to admit I made a mistake. That this is a mistake.

Now I know what hurts more than someone who cheated and lied to you. It's when you love someone, but there's no way you can ever make them love you back,..