spoiledbaby

It just gets to a point when you have to admit that you lost. That no amount of prayer or hard work can make him love you or want to spend the rest of his life with you. And then all that's left to be done is finally let go and ease yourself with the burden of loving someone who can never love you back as you deserve. Despite the tears, the pain and the bitterness that it entails, you know, you believe that all of these will eventually pass. And that one day, this will just be a part of your book to look back to and smile at.

Life is a mixture of sanity and craziness. You have to be sane to know the right things to do, and yet you have to be crazy to realize that you need to be insane to breathe a little after making the right choices that made your heart break.

Maybe it is me. I have yet to learn how to love myself as much. That's why God is giving me this. A lesson to choose me first.

I now know that no matter how happy I get with him, I will always be empty. I now know that no matter how long I wait for him, he will never get there. I now know that no matter how much love I give him, it will never be enough.

Yes, this is my karma. And I finally got the lesson. I am walking and finally I reached the end of this tunnel. There will be many more, I know that. This one had been pretty long.

spoiledbaby

2 years ago, my ex bf lost himself for about 20 mins and jumped & shouted like crazy and hurt himself while asking why the hell am I leaving him. 

I finally admit karma is true. Because, last night, I freaked out, jumped like crazy and shouted for about half a minute before I caught myself and stopped. No my current bf is not leaving me. But I finally reached the end of the line. And more than anything else, I am frustrated.

I fell in love with a man. The typical guy. I left someone and hurt someone. I know I caused him more pain than I could ever imagine. Only to be with a man who doesn't love me at all.

I freaked out. I am frustrated. I have no idea what to do. I'm lost and I'm so angry at my situation. And I'm soooo scared,.. =(

spoiledbaby

I want to get married.

Someday I want to be a wife. I want to be a mother.

I'm scared. I am so scared that it will never happen. I am so scared that I might grow old alone. 

I see my world slowly getting smaller and smaller. I have no control of how I feel. I have no control of my emotions.

I'm tired. I'm tired of beinga anxious all the time. I'm tired of always second guessing the things that will happen. I'm tired of defending the rotten situation I am in. And I'm tired of being unhappy. I am tired of trying to fight the feeling of regrets I am feeling over choosing somebody else. I am tired of trying to defend the decisions I made. None of them were right.

I am in a rotten situation. I am with a guy who says he loves me and yet couldn't see me anywhere near his future. Yet I still opt to stay. I still opt to join this silly game. I still stay, anxiously awaiting when he might crack. When will he find the one and finally leave me. 

I don't want to cry anymore. I cried too much already. I don't want to be scared anymore. It stops me from being alive. I want to go back where I was when I knew who I really am. I wanna believe that I can be happy. That I can find love again because countless times I lost love and yet it manages to find me again.

God, pls help me. I know what I need to do. But the hope remains in me. That one day, this man I now love will love me more than anything in this world. And that one day he would want no one else but me to be his wife.

I know this is an illusion for me. I know that no matter what I do, I cannot make anyone love me if he really doesn't. God, it hurts. It hurts like hell. Pls, pls,.. give me a push. Give me a hand to get out of this mess I created for myself. Let me be strong enough to admit I made a mistake. That this is a mistake.

Now I know what hurts more than someone who cheated and lied to you. It's when you love someone, but there's no way you can ever make them love you back,..

spoiledbaby

Am I really willing to settle for less?

Am I really going to throw away my dreams of one day wearing that white dress, walking down that aisle and watching the man of my dreams wait on me at the altar?

Am I ready to throw it all away? To look into wedding pictures and not have even a little bit of jealousy. To attend a wedding and not be awed by the beauty of it?

Am I really ready to say it's not for me and be defensive to everybody about it?

Or will I simply be true and admit that I want more. That I wish one day I do walk down that aisle and that I will get married. That one day I'll simply be a Mrs. Someone and not just a plain Miss.

I want that. I want more. I cant settle for anything less.

Please help me gain the courage and strength to be alone,.. and may that man cross paths with me when I become the person I am supposed to be,..