My gr8 Escape,..

spoiledbaby

I want to get married.

Someday I want to be a wife. I want to be a mother.

I'm scared. I am so scared that it will never happen. I am so scared that I might grow old alone. 

I see my world slowly getting smaller and smaller. I have no control of how I feel. I have no control of my emotions.

I'm tired. I'm tired of beinga anxious all the time. I'm tired of always second guessing the things that will happen. I'm tired of defending the rotten situation I am in. And I'm tired of being unhappy. I am tired of trying to fight the feeling of regrets I am feeling over choosing somebody else. I am tired of trying to defend the decisions I made. None of them were right.

I am in a rotten situation. I am with a guy who says he loves me and yet couldn't see me anywhere near his future. Yet I still opt to stay. I still opt to join this silly game. I still stay, anxiously awaiting when he might crack. When will he find the one and finally leave me. 

I don't want to cry anymore. I cried too much already. I don't want to be scared anymore. It stops me from being alive. I want to go back where I was when I knew who I really am. I wanna believe that I can be happy. That I can find love again because countless times I lost love and yet it manages to find me again.

God, pls help me. I know what I need to do. But the hope remains in me. That one day, this man I now love will love me more than anything in this world. And that one day he would want no one else but me to be his wife.

I know this is an illusion for me. I know that no matter what I do, I cannot make anyone love me if he really doesn't. God, it hurts. It hurts like hell. Pls, pls,.. give me a push. Give me a hand to get out of this mess I created for myself. Let me be strong enough to admit I made a mistake. That this is a mistake.

Now I know what hurts more than someone who cheated and lied to you. It's when you love someone, but there's no way you can ever make them love you back,..

spoiledbaby

Am I really willing to settle for less?

Am I really going to throw away my dreams of one day wearing that white dress, walking down that aisle and watching the man of my dreams wait on me at the altar?

Am I ready to throw it all away? To look into wedding pictures and not have even a little bit of jealousy. To attend a wedding and not be awed by the beauty of it?

Am I really ready to say it's not for me and be defensive to everybody about it?

Or will I simply be true and admit that I want more. That I wish one day I do walk down that aisle and that I will get married. That one day I'll simply be a Mrs. Someone and not just a plain Miss.

I want that. I want more. I cant settle for anything less.

Please help me gain the courage and strength to be alone,.. and may that man cross paths with me when I become the person I am supposed to be,..

spoiledbaby

He's getting married. He got his new gf pregnant. He asked me what I can say about it. I said I wish them well and I'm sure she'll be a good wife and mother. He said those were nice words.

I asked a friend if the day will ever come for me to regret the decisions i made about us. Will I ever regret choosing another? Will I ever regret not marrying him? Will I ever regret breaking his heart?

I don't know. But I wish I never will. Right now I know I am happy. I am living my life. But still ---.

You were my older guy and you were a part of my life. I feel relieved that finally you found someone. I no longer need to worry about you. I know how much I have hurt you and I honestly wish you had forgiven me for it. I remember wishing nothing else but to spend the rest of my life with you. But I guess it is just not meant to be. Because my heart now belongs to someone else and I'm sure yours is now taken by another.

I wish you well. I wish you happiness. I know you will be a good father. I had known you for so long and I know you are a good man. Be happy. I sincerely am happy for you.

And this is my goodbye to you. THanks for the memories and Best wishes =)

spoiledbaby

I learn from experience and so I know that one sign of a relationship that is going haywire is lost of trust. And I'm right there again. Another stupid text message exchange incidents corrupted my not-so-long-ago secure mind. And although I have not proven anything, one thing remains --- I lost the trust I so thought he was worthy of. And now I lie on my bed, writing a blog to release some of the unwanted tension, as I try to pull away all the unwanted thoughts of suspecting my boyfriend to be with someone else on a Sunday night.

This is not what I want. This is what I hate the most. And this is the part where I know goodbye is the among the best solution. A relationship without trust is something I know will never work. And damn me for even believing that I can actually trust him.

It's me. It's my fault. And as much as I love the guy, it scares the hell out of me. I dont want this unwanted thoughts. I dont want to be paranoid all the time I wasnt with him. I dont wanna keep thinking of the worst, of him being with someone else and I am left not knowing.

No I dont want to go there again. And no I dont think Im not worth it. I believe that I am worth someone's loyalty. I do believe that I deserve better. And if a guy doesnt see my worth, it's just not worth my time,..

spoiledbaby

It was Friday night and I had too much alcohol for one night. I handed him my phone, scared that I might drop it. And much too sooner, he pointed me to look at the phone. He read the message from my ex that I forgot to delete. A message that says too many things but also something I didnt mind at all. For me, my ex wanting me still is not something to fuzz about cause my heart belongs to no one else but my guitar boy.

So we talked a little. I dont know if it was alcohol but he admitted he was jealous. The word "Selos ako" actually sounded so much more like a music in my ears. I hugged him that moment, scared that if I say anything, he will realize just how much I love him.

I tried to reassure him that he's the only one. And later that night, I finally heard it again. My guitar boy said he loves me and I am simply in heaven,..